The Great College A Comedy by Toshio Noguchi

CHARACTERS

Professor Mouthfield-------P (M)

Students

Reiko------------------------S (R)

Sachiko---------------------S (S)

Mitsuko--------------------S (M)

Kazuko---------------------S (K)

Yoshiko---------------------S (Y)

In a classroom girl students are talking about something in whispers.

Professor Mouthfield enters.

P (M) Sorry to have kept you waiting. I am Prof. Mouthfield, President of this college. Today Ms. Ikeda, who is in charge of this class, is out on a business trip. So I’m here to substitute for her.

Essentially, I’m too great to teach you in this class, but as you know, we are under shortage of teachers because of resent restructuring of our college. In fact, I’m reluctant to teach you, but it can’t be helped. So you should be well-mannered during class. O.K?

Well, before starting class, let me have a roll call.

First, Reiko?

S (R) I’m here, teacher.

P (M) Don’t call me “teacher”. That is a common name of one’s occupation. And first of all, I am a professor, not just a teacher. Call me Prof. Mouthfield, will you?

S (R) O.K, Prof. Mouthfield.

P (M) Good. And next, Sachiko?

S (S) Yes, Prof. Mouthfield. I’m present. How do you feel today?

P (M) Fine, thanks. Then, Mitsuko ?

S (M) Atchoo!

P (M) Oh, you seem to have a cold.

S (M) No, I’m all right. Someone must be talking about me now. I have dozens of boys in love with me, you know.

P (M) This isn’t the proper place to talk about your love life. Next, Kazuko ?

S (K) ----------

P (M) Kazuko ?

S (K) Did you call my name?

P (M) Yes. I thought you were absent.

S (K) Oh, no! I’m present.

P (M) Were you taking a nap, then?

S (K) No! Don’t be so rude to me, please!

P (M) Then, why didn’t you answer me?

S (K) I was meditating.

P (M) Oh, it was just as well as you were sleeping.

S (K) Oh, no! It’s different. Meditation clears your head. Why don’t you try it now?

P (M) Don’t make fool of me anymore. It is you that is rude. I have no time to waste on you. I’m responsible for the class, you know.

Now, last lady, Yukiko ? ------Yukiko ?

S (S) She’s coming any moment.

P (M) Is she coming soon?

S (S) Yes, she is always behind time.

P (M) Oh, that reminds me, she’s notorious as a late comer. What a lazy girl she is! Well, let’s get going anyway.

S (R) Teacher! I have a question.

P (M) Don’t call me that way. I did tell you, didn’t I ?

S (R) Sorry------ Then, Prof. Mouthfield. May I ask a question?

P (M) Let me see, asking a question before I give any lecture sounds a little odd. But O.K. If you’d like to, please ask me anything. Since I’m the greatest professor throughout the world, there’s nothing unknown to me.

S (R) Any question is all right? You said you know everything.

P (M) Of course. You can call me “the walking dictionary”

S (R) Well, you know rabbits are usually white, don’t you ?

P (M) Yes, but what about them?

S (R) And there are also black ones you sometimes see.

P (M) Oh, yes. I do know of them.

S (R) Then, do you know what color their eggs are ?

P (M) You mean of black one’s?

S (R) Exactly.

P (M) Now, I know your intention. You are cheating me into saying they are black, aren’t you?

S (R) Well, not particularly.

P (M) Unfortunately, I’m not so stupid as to be cheated by such a question like this. The answer should be “white”.

S (R) Prof. Mouthfield, have you ever heard a rabbit had eggs? Rabbits have their babies directly as human-beings do.

P (M) Oh, I seem to have fallen into your trap. What a tricky girl you are! I must be careful from now on.

S (S) Prof. Mouthfield, here’s my question, sir.

P (M) Oh, you have a question, too? O.K, go ahead.

S (S) Do you know Yamanote Line of JR in Tokyo?

P (M) You mean that loop line running in the center of Tokyo?

S (S) Yes.

P (M) I was born in Tokyo. So I’m quite familiar with it.

S (S) Then, this is easy for you. There is one station which name consists of

only two Roman letters on Yamanote Line. What station is that?

P (M) Only two in Roman letters?

S (S) Yes, only two.

P (M) Let me see, there are Tokyo, Yurakucho, shimbashi, hamamatsucho-----

Well, it’s impossible! there is no station named with only two letters on Yamanote Line, never !

S (S) Are you sure, Prof.?

P (M) Yes, I’m sure of it. That can’t exist.

S (S) Then, how about “Kanda”?

P (M) “Kanda”? It’s sure “Kanda” is a station on Yamanote Line. But, it consists of five letters, not two.

S (S) You should analyze it more carefully. “Kanda” can be divided into “K” and “A”. That goes to show only two letters the word has!

P (M) Oh, again you made fun of me. Why can’t you be more serious ?

S (M) Prof .Mouthfield, it’s my turn to ask.

P (M) You have another question? What is it?

S (M) Well, mine is about a grammatical use.

P (M) Oh, you seem to be serious. O.K. You may talk.

S (M) Now, here is a sentence. ”I live in Tokyo”, all right?

P (M) All right. And then?

S (M) How can you turn it into the past tense?

P (M) It’s quite easy. I have no idea why you ask me about such an easy question. You should be ashamed of yourself asking such a childish question.

S (M) Would you please give me your answer?

P (M) Well, if you wish to. “I lived in Tokyo” Did you get it?

S (M) No, I’m afraid you made a mistake.

P (M) How can I make a mistake to such an easy question? Then you know the right answer, don’t you?

S (M) Yes, I do.

P (M) That means you tested me on my ability, doesn’t it?

S (M) I leave it up to your imagination.

P (M) What a cunning girl you are! Anyway tell me what you think is right.

S (M) The right answer should be “I lived in Yedo”.

P (M) “I lived in Yedo”?

S (M) Sure. Tokyo used to be Yedo in the past.

P (M) You teased me again! I’m afraid I’m going to be mad. I wonder how I can take care of this class.

S (K) Prof. Mouthfield! Here’s the most serious question.

P (M) I can’t believe all of you anymore. You are always making fun of me, giving me tricky questions.

S (K) Oh, no! This is really serious one. Believe me and just give it a chance.

P (M) Well, if it’s serious one as you say, I’ll let you try it for the last time.

S (K) That’s very kind of you, Prof. Mouthfield. I’m so grateful to you. Now here’s a story. And in the end I’ll give you a question. So you’ll be kindly listen to my story with all ears, please.

P (M) I feel like being tested again. But O.K, I’ll let it go.

S (K） Then, let me start. “One Sunday morning a young man and his father went shopping by car to a nearby supermarket. When they turned the first corner, a big truck came along in full speed and smashed up their car. What a pity, the father instantly killed and the young man was very seriously injured. An ambulance was called. He was taken to a nearby hospital and wheeled into an emergency room at once. A doctor came in, looked at him and said, ”Gosh, this is my son.” Now, here’s a question. What is the relationship between the doctor and the young man?

P (M) Will you tell the story again? I’m afraid I couldn’t get it well.

S (K) With pleasure, Prof. Mouthfield (repeat the story)

P (M) Well, this seems very interesting. But isn’t it tricky one?

S (K) No, sir. This is quite serious one.

P (M) Then, I wonder who the doctor can be? Since his father has died in the accident. (some ad libs)

Oh, I got it! The doctor is his God father, right?

S (K) No, sir.

P (M) Let me see. Then, the doctor must be his adoptive father or possively his father in law or something?

S (K) No, you are completely wrong.

P (M) Do you say I’m completely wrong? How can you say so? I am the President of this college, and you are just a student. Watch your tongue, will you?

S (K) But in fact you are wrong. (to the other students) Don’t you think so, my friends?

All the other students (all at once) Yes, you are right, he is wrong!

P (M) Then, tell me how I’m wrong.

S (K) Well, the answer is the doctor is his mother. There are lots of woman doctors in the world, aren’t there?

P (M) Well, well, well, I didn’t have the least idea that it was a woman.

S (K) You probably thought doctors are just peculiar to men, didn’t you? You must be an anti-woman-liberator. That’s the reason we think you are wrong. We can’t be patient with you anymore. So, we’ll leave the college, as long as you stay here as President.

P (M) Wait! All of you stay here please. O.K. I’m going to leave the college instead. I’ve got exhausted handling the troublesome students like you! It’s me who can’t be patient! Goodbye girls forever!

(He leaves the room)

All the students We made it! We made it! We’ve succeeded in throwing him out!